Mom, don't read this.

Good God, I need a keeper.

I went to class today (CEUs! Huzzah!) and, upon leaving Sunnydale, could not find my car in the parking garage. For twenty minutes. I walked around for twenty minutes, occasionally hitting the "lock" button on my key so my horn would beep, before realizing that I had parked in the exact same space I have parked in since beginning work at Sunnydale in June of 2002.

There were no groceries in the fridge when I got home, so lunch was Fritos and cheese sticks with a side of Torpedo Extra IPA. I would've had some black beans with that, but I realized when I pulled 'em out of the fridge that I couldn't remember actually cooking black beans at any point in the last, oh, year, so they probably weren't safe to eat.

I am misplacing my apostrophes.

And worst of all, I have lost all filters. When Annoying Former Manager Whom Everyone Despises asked me what the little widget on my badge was, I said, "A tiny horned toad." (I like horned toads. Sue me.) She replied, "That's gross." I said, with more of an edge than I normally allow into my voice, "Everybody else who's seen it thinks it's cute; what's wrong with you?"

Her reply? "I hate bugs." (cue giggles from everyone around us.)

My reply to her reply? "Oh, I see. You're stupid." (giggles turn into open laughter.)

I need a keeper. Just for the next month or so, until I get on to days and get used to them. Please. Come grocery shop and mow my lawn and cook me soup and potatoes, and I will pay you handsomely.

Also, I just shut the cat in the window. He did not make a single protest about being squeeshed; I realized it when the window refused to shut on the third try.

All applications welcome. No experience necessary.